Today, I’m choosing myself

Today’s blog is a creative piece that I felt I needed to write. It’s almost like a letter saying hello to myself and goodbye to the old. I hope you like it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

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There have been plenty of days where I’ve thought about you and wondered how you were doing, what you were doing, if you’re thinking about me, if you’re thinking about us and if you’re counting the hours, minutes and seconds until we see each other again.

Today is not one of those days. Today is the day where I’m going to think about how I’m doing, what I’m doing, what I’m going to accomplish and who I need to be. Today is the day that I’m going to stop wasting my time looking at my phone, waiting for your message or worst yet, waiting for you.

Today I’m going to scroll through memes and enjoy them without thinking of sharing them with you; I’m going to lie in the spot that you used to sleep in and enjoy the space instead of wishing you were in it. I’m going to text my friends and get excited when they reply without wishing it was you I was texting. I’m going to walk through the park in the rain with a smile on my face without wishing you were there with me. Today, I’m going to do everything for me without you having any power or influence over any of my decisions and my happiness.

I know it’s not going to be an easy ride but it starts with one day; a day to acknowledge that you’ve had plenty of chances and opportunities, that I’ve given you so much more than you’ve given back, that I’ve lost myself with you and that I’m better off without you. Today I’m choosing myself; I’m going to let go of all the thoughts in my head and the heaviness in my heart and I’m going to heal and come out stronger.

It’s easy for us to choose others’ happiness and thoughts over our own; it’s harder to focus on living and enjoying life when we’re too busy thinking about what we’ve done to push someone away. It’s not easy loving yourself when you’re busy loving someone else and blaming yourself when they don’t return the feelings because you feel like it’s your fault. Of course it’s your fault; why aren’t you perfect? You need to be more perfect. You hate yourself for not being their idea of perfection.

But that’s no longer going to be case. I am perfect; they’re just not perfect for me. Today I choose to accept myself and my shortcomings and I’m going to listen to myself. I’m going to learn to love myself and work through my flaws and I’m going to grow and become stronger. It’s the beginning of a decision that will last forever. It’s the beginning of me choosing to no longer put you ahead of me. It’s the beginning of me forgetting you and choosing me.

Today, I’m choosing myself.

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Mr Mitty and I

I think we all encounter at least once in our life a book, a movie, a song or a tune that really resonates with us. It speaks to us in a way that others will never understand and stays with us forever.

That’s what happened when I was exposed to Mr Mitty. For those of you who don’t know who or what I’m talking about, Walter Mitty is a character from a short story of the same name written by James Thurber. He first appeared in the New Yorker in 1939. In 2013, a movie adaptation was released and stars Ben Stiller and Kristen Wiig. I think it’s such an inspirational movie and was crafted beautifully.

Mr Mitty is a daydreamer; he transports himself into a wild and elaborate world of imagination to escape the mundaneness of reality. In the short story, he escapes his weekly shop with his wife and her trip to the beauty parlour. In the movie, he escapes his workplace, his responsibilities and ultimately, his average life. Walter’s journey to find a missing negative leads him on an adventure of a lifetime. I also love that the evolution of his e-Harmony profile is used to show how much he grows and progresses as a person and it details his life experiences in the space of a few weeks.

What I love the most about the movie is Life magazine’s motto:

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I shamelessly have this quote printed and hanging above my desk at work. It’s corny but it really inspires me and I know it inspires a lot of people and I’m glad it does. When I start to feel stagnant at work and question what I’m doing and why I’m there, I look at the quote and I’m reminded that I’m working towards the bigger picture.

I think a valuable lesson we can all take from Mr Mitty is that while extreme daydreaming/’mittyism’ is okay, why waste life just dreaming when you can go out there and make it a reality? Don’t wait around for things to happen – go and make it happen. And if you can’t, why not? What’s stopping you? Can you find a solution?

I feel like for far too long, I’ve been putting off travelling for various reasons: career, relationships, fear and ultimately, money. I’m not going to lie; money is still an issue. Unfortunately I’m a lover of new superficial things and living a life of luxury so that doesn’t help when you need to save money for tickets, accommodation, transportation and well, experiences because some of them don’t come cheap!

But it’s okay to live the poor life because I know in the end I’m going to be rich… rich in experiences that is! And who knows, I might just meet my ABC man at the other end of the Earth.

For those of you who don’t know what ABC is, it’s another Mitty reference:

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Well Mr Mitty, I hope you stay in my life for a while yet and continue to inspire me to reach out to my dreams and make it a reality. I’m not going to lie, the thought of travelling is terrifying because it’s way out of my comfort zone but, another movie reference: life is about courage and going into the unknown.

My challenge to you (yes you! The person my friend Emma is pointing to!!) don’t just sit there and be afraid… grow some balls and go out into the unknown. Even if you don’t succeed, you’ll come back richer. With a moustache and maybe a sombrero.

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If you haven’t read the story or watched the movie, I highly recommend it.

Photo credit: Drunken photo booth pic from a staff Christmas party

A story about a girl and two(ish) boys

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Warning. This is not a happy story with a happy ending. I just thought I’d share with you what love is to me and when I say love, I mean that feeling you get when a girl meets a boy and yeah… not the family/friend/pet love that we all know and well, love.

When I was younger, I was convinced I was going to meet a boy (yes, one boy) who was going to sweep me off my feet and we were going to get married, live in a penthouse apartment, be a power couple forever and then die. Lol, forever and die in the same sentence. Reminds me of this henna stall at a festival that had a sign that read “temporary tattoos that last forever”. Anyways, yes my dream ends morbidly but such is life.

Anyways, I did meet a boy, I did think we were going to get married, he cheated on me, I didn’t cry and I forgave him, I spent three and a half years with him, realised I wasn’t happy and the last thing I wanted to do was marry a deceitful, cheating bastard, decided I deserved better from him and the life we had and then dumped him. Actually, this thing I found on the Facebook page Word Porn sums up the situation in the end:

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The sad part of my first relationship was realising that the real reason why I forgave him for cheating was because I didn’t think I could do better or find someone else who was going to love me. So I accepted the love I thought I deserved. It was a sad reality but I’m proud of myself for realising that that’s not the case at all and I deserve better.

After that relationship, I had a fantastic five-ish months of singledom then boom, I was in another relationship. Did I think I was going to marry this guy? Nah, but I was willing to give it a go. In a year and a half, we drank, got high, went out, moved down to Wellington together then I grew up. Unfortunately, he didn’t. It took me a while to end things because I was consumed by guilt since he came to Wellington because of me. But things weren’t getting any better… So I dumped him.

Three years later and I’m still single.

So my childhood dream of meeting a boy and everything ending up perfectly didn’t come true but I realised it’s totally okay. One of the fundamental things I’ve learnt from my two ‘failed’ relationships is that you need to love yourself before you can learn to love others. Oh, and there is such a thing as ‘finding yourself’ before deciding to settle.

Am I disappointed that I gave myself fully to two people and it didn’t work? Hell no. The thing is, I don’t regret the relationships I’ve had in my life because they actually made me stronger. Whether you want to admit it or not, it’s the experiences gained from being in crappy relationships that make you realise who you are, what you deserve and what you won’t tolerate. I tolerated cheating and I think cheating is the best example of disrespect.

So what did I learn about love and what does it mean to me? Cliché but love really is about respecting one another and respecting yourself. It’s about admiring one another and wanting to be better for them and for you.

Now in these three years of singledom, I’ve had some pretty interesting experiences with dating… but that’s for another blog post.

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So tell me, what is love to you?

Photo credit: dawnchapmanphoto. Seriously, check out her work. She’s fantastic!